Being a fitness enthusiast, it’s only natural that I own a pair of Vibrams. For those of you who are unfamiliar with Vibrams, they are not a sex toy, they are shoes.

And they aren’t just super cool shoes, they’re also an item that strikes fear into the hearts of Chinese people everywhere. I’ve actually had to limit how much I wear them because of the reactions I’ve gotten. Every third person on the street will let out an unintelligible cry of distress when they see my footwear. Most will point as they do it too, alerting all others in the area to the possible danger of a man with separated digits being nearby. Wearing Vibrams is how I learned the Mandarin words for ‘insane’ and ‘madman/crazy person,’ when a man so perturbed by my footwear grabbed me in the street and informed me that I was, in fact, an insane crazy person. Ever since then I have heard these words at least once every time I’ve walked to my gym rocking the skeletoes. Some people passing by will avoid me on the street, giving my possibly dangerous ten visible toes a wide birth. Most people who notice will also stop and turn with me to stare as I walk past. Cars have slammed on their horns as they pass by me, and the best yet was the guy who had to swerve to keep from hitting the curb because he couldn’t take his eyes off my scandalously exposed toe curves. Joking aside, I have gotten some weird looks in America for wearing Vibrams, but nothing compared to here. I guess China just isn’t ready for the creep feet