You can’t live here for a year and a half without picking up some Chinese, and mine has gotten pretty good over the last 8 months. I recently got the chance to check out a preparation manual for the Chinese driver’s license exam, and after reading through all of the different rules and laws for driving here, I’ve realized most foreigners probably know very little about the driving etiquette here in China. Below is a translated list of the 20 major things every driver should be able to do to get out onto the road. Learn and enjoy, I hope this prepares you for traffic in China!
Driver’s license requirements. You must be able to:
- Whip your car down a one-way street going the opposite direction, slamming on the horn at anybody in your way.
- Slam on the gas to cover the 5 meters between you and the car ahead of you, then brake hard to avoid rear ending them. Space between cars means lost time.
- Pull a U-turn anywhere at anytime. Slamming on the horn is optional.
- Jam your car ahead of other cars to gain access to that lane. You only have the right of way if you’re blocking another vehicle.
- Never use a turn signal, and instead slightly jerk your car in whatever direction you want to go in. If cars move out of the way and nobody slams on the horn, proceed to swerve into that lane.
- Slam on the horn if people are crossing the road ahead of you, regardless of the distance and whether or not you could even make it to them before they’d finished crossing.
- Slam on the horn as you cut into another lane to pass a vehicle that’s only slightly exceeding the speed limit.
- Slam on the horn if you’re stuck in a line of cars due to an obstruction up ahead. It doesn’t matter if you’re the second car back or the sixth car back, you must show how displeased you are about being stopped for several seconds by laying on the horn until you can move forward again.
- Slam on the horn at anything, for any reason, at anytime.
- Drive into the oncoming lane to go around anything that is blocking you. Lines in the road are only suggestions, and you can cross them whenever it allows you to get where you’re going faster.
- Swerve across 3 or more lanes in one swoop.
- Get your car as close as physically possible to any object blocking your way, even if it impedes them getting out of your way. Slam on your horn to announce your presence.
- Ride up on anything that has less wheels than you. Bikes and motorcycles are supposed to drive on the sidewalk anyways
- Go as fast as possible regardless of what is ahead of you. When needed, slam on the brakes.
- Park wherever the fuck you please.
- Parallel park your car in no less than 8 moves, blocking traffic while you do this.
- Avoid pedestrians only if they’re in a group of 6 or more. Any less than that and you’re not responsible if you clip one of them.
- Purposefully block another car from overtaking you, regardless of whether or not your vehicular stand off could cause an accident. It’s their responsibility to swerve and aggressively pass you. This skill especially applies for exit ramps and turning lanes.
- Make a bus drivers life as miserable as you possibly can. Never yield or allow them to get where they need to go. It’s their fault they’re driving a vehicle that’s larger than most of the cars on the road.
- Stop your car wherever it’s most convenient. Vehicles behind you are expected to swerve around you.
Remember future drivers, if it doesn’t give you a flat tire or wreck your axle then you can swerve onto it, slamming on the horn is always recommended, and the key to defensive driving is driving as aggressively as you possibly can!
TL;DR Drive like you want to cause property damage
Although nothing could compare to the first hand experience of being bounced around the backseat of a taxi as it swerved through rush hour traffic, this video does a pretty good job of showing how recklessly impatient and aggressive Chinese drivers can be.
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